The Gospel According To The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

CHAPTER ONE

A great darkness and tribulation had fallen over the land. Out of the void came a resonant voice saying, "Let there be light!" At least that is way Alice’s parents heard it and passed it on to her as they explained the current state of Grace that extended across the face of their known universe.

In actuality, however, it was the U.S. Supreme Court saying, "Let George W. Bush be President of the United States!" And so, it came to pass that the righteous inherited the earth.

Alice had heard stories of an earlier time when the land was basking in the guiding light of the Messiah of Jelly Beans, Ronald Reagan—before Clinton-The-Stud brought the great darkness of hanky-panky to the White House.

Alice decided that since she was coming of age, it was time for her to go out into the world and make a contribution to Compassionate Conservatism.

" I am driving to Washington," she announced.

"Oh, dear!" her mother gasped.

"You’ll do no such thing!" her father bellowed.

"Why not?" she demanded.

He father replied,"You’d have to go through three blue states! That’s why!"

Alice looked puzzled. "Blue States? What are blue states?"

"That’s where liberal heathens live,"he said with an air of forboding.

Alice’s mother placed an gentle hand on Alice’s shoulder and explained,"You see, dear, we live in a red state. We believe in the culture of life and the sanctity of war. Why, blue staters don’t even believe in The Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

Seeing the perplexed look on Alice’s face, her mother continued,"Don’t you remember your Sunday school lessons? That God sent his only begotten Grilled Cheese Sandwich that we might have eternal conservatism."

"Vaguely," Alice replied. "I don’t remember any details."

"Well, dear," her mother continued, "there was this woman in Florida—Diane Bowser–I think it was. Anyway, ten years ago an angel appeared to her and told her she should bring forth a Grilled Cheese Sandwich and it shall bear the image of the Virgin Mary–and it shall save people from maternal liberalism. So Mrs. Bowser, filled with the holy spirit, traveled to the oven looking for a place to have her Grilled Cheese Sandwich. But there was no room in the oven."

"What did she do?" asked Alice.

" She found a spot in the skillet. That’s when her three sons came to her bearing bread, butter and mayo—explaining that a vision had appeared to them ,while playing baseball, and told them that their mother was about to have The Grilled Cheese Sandwich. And lo and behold, when the sandwich was done it bore the image of the blessed mother."

"Amen," Alice’s father said.

"Blessed be the name of The Grilled Cheese Sandwich," her mother added.

"What did she do with it?" Alice wondered.

"Well, she prayed and prayed over it. Then she placed it in a plastic box and sought the advice of the National Evangelical Council. Council leaders, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robinson and Cal Thomas sniffed the stale crust and declared it to be The True Grilled Cheese Sandwich of God and instructed Bowser to send it to their man in Washington , President George W. Bush. That way the country could worship both of them at once."

"God works in mysterious ways," said Alice’s father.

"You sure got that right," Alice said, rolling her eyes.

And so it came to pass that Alice went to Washington.